The Absence of Affection in Your Relationship
What a Lack of Affection Can Look Like in Your Relationship and How to Create New Levels of Affection
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Last week we talked about affection and some of the benefits affection can have on your relationships as well as your physical and mental health. If you missed it, check it out now! Today, we are going to explore how a lack of affection can damage your relationship while also exploring what forced affection is. So what does a lack of affection mean and look like in relationships?
A lack of affection means to go without affection of any kind in your relationship; verbally, emotionally, physically, etc. Because affection is so commonly associated with physical affection, people often think a lack of touch is the only way to feel a lack of affection. A lack of physical affection, also known as skin hunger, can lead to higher stress levels, higher depression levels, and worse health overall. A lack of affection in a relationship might be caused by internal relationship challenges or it may be completely personal to the partner who has stopped expressing affection. People who are experiencing a lack of affection in their relationships often feel lonely, are less happy than their counterparts, and often have less social support and lower relationship satisfaction.
A lack of affection can look like many things. A lack of affection may look like a weaker emotional connection to your partner, spending less time with your partner, focusing more on the negative relationship experiences rather than the positive experiences, becoming stressed or frustrated more quickly, and a lack of respect, honesty, and loyalty are all signs of affection. Becoming more guarded and experiencing a lack of vulnerability are also signs of a lack of affection in a relationship. Some other signs of lack of affection in relationships are no longer having fun with each, no longer sharing each other’s feelings, and allowing personal insecurities to grow and become stronger and more apparent within the relationship.
Some red flags related to a lack of affection in relationships are:
Verbal abuse*
Physical abuse*
Emotional abuse*
Possessiveness
Lack of attachment to your partner
Lack of trust and/or respect
Gaslighting
Narcissism
Lack of communication
*If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, please check out my Support + Hotlines page. Here you will find phone numbers and website links to a variety of services and resources designed to help you in your time of need.
What about forced affection? Forced affection is not the same thing as a lack of affection. Forced affection is often thought of in relation to children. A common scenario of forced affection is when parents tell their children to hug a family member or friend hello or goodbye and the child hesitates or expresses that they don’t want to hug the adult. It’s common for parents to reinforce their directions of having their child hug the other adult in greeting or parting. The concern around this type of forced affection is that the parents are not communicating the importance of consent, boundaries, or communication to the child while also unconsciously telling the child that their feelings are not as important or respected as the adult’s feelings.
Forced affection can also show up in abusive and/or toxic relationships with one partner threatening harm on the other partner if the abused partner does not comply with the demand of the abuser. The demand can be something as simple as making the abused partner hug someone hello or goodbye or it could be much more harmful such as ordering the abused partner to perform sexual acts on someone, have them sit on someone’s lap, or perform a massage on someone. Without the consent of the partner, these are all dangerous, abusive acts of forced affection.
Again, if you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help. You can visit my Support + Hotlines page for a list of resources, you can call 911 for immediate help, you can seek help from supportive family members or friends, or reach out to support groups. There are many available avenues to help you if you are in an abusive relationship.
Just because there is a lack of affection in your relationship currently, does not mean that this lack of affection has to last forever. You can start making little, daily changes right now that may help increase affection in your relationship and may even bring you a sense of personal joy and happiness.
10 Ways to Bring Affection Back into Your Relationship
Practice acknowledgement and active listening in your relationship.
Once you are actively listening to your partner’s needs, wants, and desires, start responding to their needs. Act quickly to help meet their needs.
Eliminate Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling in the way you communicate with your partner.
Create a ritual or mindset of gratitude and share this ritual with your partner. A simple way of doing this to create a gratitude jar and every time your partner does something that you are grateful for (whether they helped you or someone else), write what you’re thankful for down on a piece of paper and place it in the jar. You can sit down with your partner and go through these little gratitude notes once a month or even once a week. This is something you can do together or start on your own and see how your partner responds after 30, 60, and 90 days. You can download my 30 Days of Gratitude For Your Partner Guide to help you create a mindset and ritual of gratitude!
Practice forgiveness - for your partner and for yourself. Forgiveness is a gift that we often withhold from our partners when we are hurt or mad. Practice forgiving your partner instead of punishing them for something they did.
Pray for your partner every day. There are many verses in the Bible on how to love and pray for your partner. Here are six verses that may encourage you in your prayers and loving mindset for your partner:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”
Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”
Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”
Philippians 2:3-7: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.”
James 5:16: “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one anther, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.”
Start (if you haven’t already) and prioritize weekly date nights. This weekly date night is a time for just the two of you - let go of concerns around work, children, pets, extended family, etc. and just check in with how you both are doing. What type of support do you both need at this time? What are your partner’s goals, dreams, and desires right now? What are yours? Schedule this date night each week and hold each other accountable to maintain and prioritize it. It may take some time to get comfortable with each other again, so it’s ok to start small - maybe just get a pizza at your favorite local pizza place or go for a 30-minute walk. This time and how you spend it is up to you and your partner - just try to keep the focus of conversation on you and your partner!
Read The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. It is a 40-day challenge that is designed to help save and improve marriages - based on daily prayer and Bible study. You can do this dare completely on your own or you can invite your partner to do it with you!
Implement a six-second kiss or 20-second hug every morning when you or your partner leaves the house and/or in the evenings upon your/their return home. Studies have shown that a 20-second hug “reduces the harmful effects of stress, relieves blood pressure, and ensure a healthy heart. Increasing the hug ratio results in reduced blood pressure, decreased cortisol, improved healing, reduced cravings, and better immunity”. A six-second kiss can boost fondness and admiration, can build appreciation between you and your partner, reduces stress, and increases oxytocin (the “love” hormone).
Get out of your comfort zone! Try one new thing each month with your partner and then discuss what you liked, didn’t like, loved, or hated about this new activity, restaurant, or experience. Shaking things up can help remove the “comfort level” of not doing things together at all and can help break a negatively-reinforced routine.
What are you most excited to try to help bring affection back into your relationship? Which one makes you feel the most comfortable and uncomfortable? Remember, breaking old habits and creating new ones takes time, consistency, and patience. Don’t get frustrated and give up when your partner doesn’t positively respond the first, second, or fiftieth time you try one of these ways to increase affection in your relationship. Be patient and keep trying and praying!
If you are interested in receiving relationship coaching around the lack of affection in your relationship, please schedule a Discovery Call with me! I’d be happy to discuss how coaching can benefit your relationship and your personal level of happiness and satisfaction with your relationship.
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Thumbnail Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
