Affection + Your Relationship
The Importance of Affection in Your Relationship
It’s January 2022! Just let that sink in for a minute. As a human race, we have grown, changed, repeated history, and grown some more. We have learned how to send people to the moon and maybe further in the near future. We have advanced technology so far and yet, many of us are still struggling to create happy, healthy, honest, and fun relationships with our partners. We lack a basic education on how to make a relationship work and the skills and tools necessary to make deep, meaningful relationships last.
We’re educated on so many things growing up - math, science, language, the arts, theology, history, auto mechanics, athletics, on and on the list goes depending on the type of education you received growing up. But there are very few - if any - classes that taught the skills necessary to make a relationship work. This is one of the reasons I became a Relationship Coach because it is so important to me to help teach, educate, coach, and provide support for those who are seeking to create and nurture healthy, successful, and lasting relationships. As such, I hope you continue to enjoy my blog as we learn and explore so many different topics, themes, skills, tools, and resources that can be used to better your relationships.
This month’s theme is affection. We will be doing a deep dive on what affection means, looks like in romantic and non-romantic relationships, affection red flags, and more. So, what is affection and how does it show up in our relationships? Well, Merriam-Webster defines affection as “a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something : tender attachment : FONDNESS”. When I see this definition, the “tender attachment” is what really jumps out at me. Tender means “very loving and gentle : showing affection and love for someone or something”. I think of warmth by a fire, snuggling under blankets with my partner, feeling the gentle caress of his fingers as he plays with my hair. Little moments, nothing big, nothing outrageous, just little moments of affection that make me feel cherished and loved.
That arguably sounds like romantic affection. Romantic affection is affection that includes passionate or romantic feelings. You can feel affection for someone and not love them whereas if you love someone, you typically feel great affection for them. For example, I love my partner and feel great affection for him, but I don’t love past co-workers even though I feel affection and a general sense of camaraderie with them. Again, affection is a feeling of like and caring for someone - not loving them. Affection doesn’t have to be romantic and there are many ways to show affection in platonic ways. The intensity of affection you feel for someone may change depending on your relationship with them, but affection is not just for romantic relationships. Affection adds to the connection we feel with the people in our lives. Affection helps build and strengthen our relationships with others regardless of if it is affection stemming from romantic love or just a coworker.
What do you think of when you hear the word affection?
Is affection something that is missing in your relationship? Do you feel that there is too much affection in your relationship? Are you trying to figure out how to bring affection back into your relationship? Or are you satisfied with the current level of affection in your relationship?
Whatever the answer is, there is always room for growth. Affection can be shown in many ways but a popular avenue of showing affection is through physical touch. This physical touch can be as little as a pat on the back, a high five, or a hug to something more romantic like a massage, holding your partner’s hand, or kissing your partner. There are many benefits to showing physical affection in relationships, romantic or otherwise.
5 Benefits of Showing Physical Affection to Your Partner
Physical touch or “warm touch” has a positive influence on multiple stress-sensitive systems (blood pressure, oxytocin, sympathetic nervous system) according to a 2008 study i.e. consensual, positive touch decreases stress levels and releases feel-good hormones
Physical touch shows intimacy and trust between people according to a 2009 study
Conflict resolution is easier with increased amounts of affection such as cuddling, hand-holding, kissing, and hugging according to a 2006 study
Physical affection with your partner on one day lowers stress levels and the chances of having a bad mood the following day according to a 2007 study
Physical touch with your partner can help decrease physical pain and sync up your breathing and heart rates according to a 2017 study
Something else to consider, according to a 2006 study, couples who express more physical affection towards each other are happier than couples who touch less. You can flip this as well: couples who are happier touch each other more and more easily show physical affection towards each other. Non-sexual touch is equally as important as sexual touch when it comes to showing affection. Non-sexual touch increases connection, relaxation, and builds intimacy between people.
Our attachment styles also come into play when thinking about affection and physical touch. According to the Kinsey Institute “for both men and women, having a more anxious attachment style (i.e., fear of abandonment) predicted being less satisfied with the amount of touch they were getting.” People with anxious attachment styles need more reassurance from their partners that they won’t be abandoned whereas people with avoidant attachment styles seek less physical reassurance or time from their partners. Avoidant partners are happier with low levels of touch while their partners are unhappy with those same low levels of touch.
Affection is an important part of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise, and learning how to express and receive affection in healthy ways can increase your personal satisfaction and happiness with your relationship. Understanding your attachment style can also dramatically increase your level of happiness for your relationship as you can make improvements and changes to increase your personal happiness.
How do you show affection to your partner? Are you happy with the level of affection they are showing you? If you are interested in learning more about showing affection to your partner or are struggling with other aspects of your relationship, I invite you to schedule a Discovery Call with me and we can explore the benefits of Relationship Coaching and how it may improve your relationship.
“Every gift which is given, even though it be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection.”
Pindar
