The 5 Love Languages
The Christmas Edition!
Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash
I’m fairly certain you’ve heard of the Five Love Languages, but if you haven’t, let me give you a brief summary. The concept and book were created and written by Dr. Gary Chapman. The original book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has sold millions of copies since its release nearly 30 years ago. Since then, Dr. Chapman has written various versions of the book for children, teenagers, singles, men, and even a military edition.
The premise of the 5 love languages is fairly simple: each of us has one or two primary love languages and we communicate our love through our primary love language(s). Unfortunately, more often than not, our partners do not have the same love language as us. This means that often we are communicating our love to our partner in a way that they are not feeling loved by us and vice versa.
In his book, Dr. Chapman guides readers through identifying their love language, their partner’s love language, and how to better love our partner’s by communicating with their love language. I highly recommend reading this book if you haven’t yet as understanding your love languages in depth can be incredibly beneficial to your relationship.
So what are the five languages? According to Dr. Chapman, they are:
Acts of Service - think “actions speak louder than words” with this person
Receiving Gifts - often, heartfelt gifts are what makes people with this love language feel loved. Gifts can symbolize that their partner was thinking of them throughout the day
Quality Time - giving your partner your undivided attention and focus is what makes this person feel loved. Set aside any distractions!
Words of Affirmation - this person feels loved when their partner uses words to affirm them, their actions/behaviors, etc.
Physical Touch - this person feels loved when (appropriate and consensual) physical touch is involved
Why is this important? Well, think of it this way, how successfully do you communicate with someone who speaks a different language than you? For example, you speak English but are in France and are trying to communicate with someone who speaks French. Hand gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice can only go so far and there is very little chance of having a deep, meaningful, and thought-provoking conversation with that person if you both speak different languages.
This is how it can be between couples whose primary love languages are not the same. Let’s say that your primary love language is physical touch but your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation. In your mind, you tell/show your partner how much you love them all the time because you are always holding their hand, kissing, hugging, and finding ways to touch them whenever you can. But because you are not providing your partner with words of affirmation, they do not feel loved by you. From your partner’s perspective, they are always saying “I love you”, thanking you for specific tasks you helped them with, encouraging you in your personal strengths, and even sending you love letters every now and then. But you don’t feel loved by your partner because they don’t initiate touching you very often. So you both are showing and saying you love each other - but in your own languages, not in your partner’s love languages, so neither of you actually feel genuinely loved by your partner.
This holiday season, I challenge you to discover your partner’s love language - and then learn how to speak it! Below are some examples for each love language to help inspire you as you learn how to love your partner better!
15 Ways to Love Your Partner Using the 5 Love Languages
Acts of Service
Help your partner decorate the house for Christmas or if you’re feeling really confident, completely take over and surprise them by decorating the whole house for them!
Set up the Christmas tree and decorate it for them
Clean the house for your partner before Christmas Eve or Christmas (the day before you celebrate, whichever day that is) and/or before the holiday party that you’re hosting. You can go one step further and help clean up afterward too!
Receiving Gifts
Buy your partner something heartfelt and romantic. Etsy is a great place for this! Check out a few ideas here:
The Night We Met Star Map for $19.55
Customized Wooden Photo Cubes starting at $25.00
Custom Album Record for $29.90
Buy your partner something they have been wanting for a while as a Christmas present
Send your partner flowers or a surprise package at work “just because”
Quality Time
Make getting your Christmas tree an experience. Go to a Christmas tree farm and take your time smelling the different trees available (they do smell different!), before selecting which one you want, and cutting it down yourself. If you’re not into the real Christmas tree scene, make decorating the tree your experience! Turn on your partner’s favorite Christmas music, have cookies in the oven with some hot chocolate or eggnog ready, light a Christmas candle or two, and decorate the tree together.
Help your partner cook the Christmas Eve and/or Christmas meals. I know most families/couples have one big meal where they celebrate Christmas, so volunteer to help with this and use this time to listen and engage with your partner. This can fall under the acts of service love language as well!
Surprise your partner and take them to a Christmas-themed activity. This can be ice skating, skiing, snowshoeing, Christmas caroling, going to the Christmas Eve or Christmas Day church service, taking them on a horse-drawn sleigh ride, etc.
Words of Affirmation
Shower your partner with “I love you”s throughout the holiday season. More so than usual, as the holidays can be stressful and your partner may need to hear it more than usual.
Tell your partner how much you appreciate them for all that they do - especially during the holiday season.
Thank your partner for something they did to help you.
Other things you can tell your partner:
I couldn’t do this without you
Thank you for being you
You are so special to me
Compliment them on their outfit for Christmas
Physical Touch
Surprise your partner with a Christmas Eve massage session. Set the mood by lighting some Christmas-scented candles, turning on romantic Christmas music, buying some Christmas-scented lotion to use for the massage, etc.
Randomly kiss your partner during the day for at least 20 seconds. You can make this sloppy and fun, or romantic and sensual!
Hold their hand during the Christmas Eve and/or Christmas day church services and celebration meals. You can even make your own meaning for certain gestures. For example, when I’m out with my partner, he’ll often squeeze my hand three times to signify “I love you”.
For more ideas on how to bring the five love languages into your relationship, download my free guide How to Show Gratitude for Your Partner. I provide 30 date ideas/ways to love your partner - six date ideas for each of the five love languages!
If you are looking for other ways to better your relationship and love your partner, schedule a Discovery Call with me! I’d be happy to explore this with you and to help you transform your relationship through coaching! Merry Christmas!
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Thumbnail photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash
