Resentment in Your Relationship
5 Signs of Resentment + Why it’s So Damaging to Your Relationship
Resentment in marriages and relationships, unfortunately, is more normal than we often want to admit or accept. It’s also one of the biggest relationship killers out there. Resentment is often built over time but can also occur quickly, depending on the situation or couple. It is possible to move past resentment in your relationship, but it will take time and consistent effort.
What is resentment and what causes it in relationships?
Resentment is “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as wrong, insult, or injury.” Resentment can build if you or your partner have difficulty expressing your true feelings about conflict, challenges, or struggles within your relationships. Many people withhold their true feelings or try to moderate them in an effort to avoid conflict with their partner or to avoid potentially hurting their partner’s feelings. This is completely normal but is unhelpful to the long-term success of your relationship. Withholding your feelings in the present will ultimately lead to frustration, resentment, and unmet needs in the future.
Resentment can occur because of anything. If you don’t share your expectations, wants, desires, needs, feelings, dreams, goals for the future, etc. with your partner, how are they supposed to know what you want or need? Your partner is not a mind reader, and the same is true for you, you are not a mind reader.
Some common causes of resentment in relationships are betrayal, hurtful words, underperforming partners, feeling unsupported by your partner, a lack of prioritization in the relationship, and inconsiderate behaviors.
So why do so many people neglect to share their thoughts, feelings, and expectations with their partners? Often, we’re afraid of judgment, rejection, or feeling dismissed and unworthy if our partner reacts poorly. Avoiding conflict is another big motivator to avoid sharing feelings, frustrations, and resentments with your partner. None of this is helpful in creating a happy, healthy relationship.
Resentment in your relationship may come as a surprise to you or your partner if you are not present and paying attention to your partner and the relationship. Here are some signs that resentment may be brewing in your relationship.
5 Signs of Resentment in Relationships
Unresolved Arguments. Couples often leave an argument unresolved because they are tired of fighting over the same thing, they are afraid of being hurt or hurting their partner, or they’re physically and emotionally exhausted from the previous conflict with their partner and have no more energy to continue it.
Ineffective Communication. A lack of active listening, acknowledging and validating your partner, and failing to clearly communicate yourself all create an atmosphere of ineffective communication. Examples of ineffective communication include distracted listening, “mhmm” responses, being sucked into social media or the tv, being unable to focus on what your partner is saying due to stress, worries, or frustrations, mumbling apologies, and not clearly communicating your own needs to your partner.
Lack of Priority. When we are not present with our partners, our lack of attention can easily translate to a lack of care and interest in their lives. If our partner is asking for our help, whether it’s working around the house, yard, or something else, if we find reasons to delay providing that help, it makes our partner feel less important. When our partner feels like they are not the priority, they may stop putting in the effort to make the relationship as successful as possible. A deterioration of priority within the relationship can slowly lead a partner to stop caring about the relationship over time. Your partner needs to feel like they are a top priority in your life and vice versa.
Criticism. Criticism in a relationship occurs when you start to attack your partner’s character. “You” sentences are an example of criticism in relationships: “you’re so selfish”, “you don’t care about me because you’re always gaming”, and “you don’t prioritize the events that are important to me”. This language is directed at the person, and not the problem that can potentially be solved.
Focusing on the Bad Experiences. When resentment is present, we easily focus on what is “bad” in the relationship and that becomes much bigger than what is good. When resentment festers, a small fight can feel huge and leave you feeling hurt, rejected, and possibly abandoned.
When resentment is present in your relationship, everything feels like a battle that can’t be solved. There is often a feeling of hopelessness and aloneness that accompanies resentment as well. It’s important to get the help and support you need when you are feeling this hopelessness, despair, and loneliness.
Next week, we’ll explore how to recover from resentment and move past it in your relationship. If you are looking for support and want to explore how to move past resentment in your relationship, please schedule a Discovery Call with me!
