How to Ask for What You Want in Your Relationship
Be Clear, Confident, and Calm When Discussing Your Relationship Desires + Expectations
Have you ever experienced a moment in your relationship where your partner doesn’t understand what you want, what you said, or what you meant when you said something in a vague way because you want them to just “know what you want and need without you having to tell them”? We think that our partners know us so well that they can be mindreaders. And when they don’t get it right, we feel hurt, frustrated, and wonder where the communication went wrong.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all treated our partners like mind readers and then gotten mad, frustrated, or hurt when they weren’t. And we’ve all experienced our partners treating us like we’re the mind readers. In reality, no one is a mind reader and it’s unfair to treat our partners as if they are.
It can be intimidating to think about talking to our partners in a direct, concise manner, but that is exactly what I’m here to encourage you to do. When we speak in vague and indirect manners, there is often much that is open to interpretation. And what is open to interpretation, can easily be misinterpreted. When we speak in a direct, concise manner to our partners, we are clearly sharing our wants, needs, desires, and expectations for the situation and the relationship.
But there are many things to address and practice before you are able to calmly and directly talk to your partner about the challenges and struggles you are dealing with. The first step is to get clear on what your personal needs, desires, wants, and expectations are. Take some time to sit down and reflect on what is most important to you and to your relationship. Where do you want the relationship to go? What are your must-haves in a relationship and in a partner? What core beliefs need to be reflected in your partner in order for your relationship to be happy and successful? Take some time to journal, meditate, and pray on these questions to get the clarity you need before taking the next steps toward clear communication and asking for what you want in your relationship. You have to know what you want before you are able to ask for what you want.
Knowing what you want and being able to ask for it are two different things. Discovering how to be confident in your wants and desires takes practice, clarity, and confidence that develops over time. This personal growth takes time and I encourage you not to rush through discovering your own needs and desires. Sometimes we have to work through expectations and desires that have been placed on us by our parents and family, partners, friends, and even work colleagues and bosses. Unpacking your desires from theirs can be tricky and a little scary, especially if you’ve been living your life to meet other people’s expectations instead of following your own dreams and desires. It takes courage to stand in your truth but I believe everyone deserves the chance to work through this on their own time.
Now that you’ve gotten clarity on what you want in your relationship, it’s time to start building confidence around asking for what you want. Start with little things. Ask for some time alone with your partner once a week or month. Ask for help around the house, or for your partner to help your prep for a presentation at work by listening to your speech, or to help you get the kids ready for bed.
When asking for what you need, be clear, direct, and concise. Don’t leave things up to interpretation, don’t be vague, and definitely don’t assume your partner understands why you’re frustrated or upset you say “I’m fine”, “nevermind, I’ll do it myself”, or “I’ve told you a thousand times I like this brand of bread, not that brand, why don’t you listen to me?” Assumptions can be deadly.
You know that saying “never assume, it makes an ass out of you and me”? Well, it’s true. Assumptions can be detrimental to a relationship and can be incredibly hard to overcome. Don’t let yourself fall for the trap of assuming you know what your partner will say or how they’ll react in certain situations. Don’t try to shield the truth or your desires because of your assumptions about your partner.
When you assume things, you’re often letting yourself think the worst about your partner and that makes you feel nervous talking to them as well as causes you to start building defenses, responses, and alternative solutions to their potential arguments before you even start the conversation. And when you’re thinking this way, it causes your body physical stress and tension, which negatively affects the way you handle the conversation.
Rather than allowing assumptions to take over the conversation before it even begins, try focusing on what you want to say and how you can say it clearly and calmly. Set a goal for yourself and the conversation that includes the health and benefit of yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Try thinking “what do I want for myself, my partner, and the relationship?” This will help you to stay focused on the conversation’s outcome, rather than the little details that so easily distract us.
When having discussions with your partner about your wants, desires, and needs from them and the relationship, it’s important to enforce that just because you’re asking for something, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhappy or angry with your partner. Explain how these unmet needs and desires are affecting you and why they’re important to you. Take this opportunity to discuss your expectations for your partner and the relationship and allow your partner to share their expectations with you as well. Don’t get defensive, rather stay calm and focused on the outcome you want for your relationship.
When asking for what you want in your relationship, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Back your words up with action. Don’t commit to something if you’re not willing or able to follow through on it. You and your partner need to be able to trust each other’s word when it’s given. Especially during difficult conversations.
If you are really struggling with asking for what you need, remember that it’s ok to ask for help - you can get relationship help from your pastor, a therapist, or a relationship coach like myself. There is nothing wrong with asking for help with your relationship. Your relationship takes time, effort, and consistency in order to grow and thrive. Without this consistent effort put into it, your relationship can languish and weaken. If this is something you are struggling with, I invite you to schedule a Discovery Call with me and we can explore how relationship coaching may be able to benefit your relationship.
