Marriage + Relationship Roles
When Was The Last Time You Evaluated Your Relationship Roles in Your Marriage?
Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash
Husband. Wife. Father. Mother. Grandfather. Grandmother. Aunt. Uncle. Spouse. Partner. Provider. Caretaker. Protector. Planner. Budgeter. Lover. Fighter. Homemaker. Stepparent. Widower. Single parent. Military spouse. Foster parent. Adoptive parent.
So many roles that we could possibly fill, at one time or another, or possibly multiple roles at once. And yet we rarely pause to evaluate the roles we are currently filling. To gauge our growth into and out of past, current, and future roles. We rarely touch base with our partners to see how they’re feeling about the roles they are filling (or that we’ve placed them in).
We sometimes fall into roles and other times create roles for us to fill. Sometimes you may fill the role of the eldest child and it may be assumed that you are going to take over a family business, be the first one to get married, are the most responsible of all the siblings, are the stand-in caretaker for your younger siblings when your parents get held up at work, among other things. Sometimes you may take on a role that you think your partner wants you to fill for them, but the role does not bring you joy, a sense of peace, and may not actually be what your partner wanted.
You may have placed your partner in a role when you got married. He’s supposed to take the trash out and take care of the lawn, she’s supposed to cook and do the laundry. She is the primary caretaker to the children while he’s the primary source of income (or vice versa). You may have even created roles for your children to fill - the eldest is the most responsible, the middle is the peacekeeper, and the youngest is the funny one, etc.
But yet, we don’t often stop to evaluate these roles in our lives and our relationships. How are these roles serving us? How are they hurting us? How helpful are they? Do you ever leave room for growth in these roles? Do you ever try to leave these roles? How easy or hard is it to leave these predetermined roles? How does your partner respond when you shift your role in the relationship? How do others in your life respond when you shift your role?
How happy are you with the current roles that you fill in your life? Do you want to expand those roles, add more, or leave a few behind? Whatever you’re thinking and feeling, it’s okay and completely normal to desire different roles in your life. Not everyone loves being a parent 100% of the time. Yes, you always love your children, but you may not like them all the time. And that’s okay. You choose to love your spouse, but you may not like them all the time. And that’s okay.
What are the parameters of the roles you’re filling now? When did you start filling these roles? When will you move out of them? How does your partner feel about you growing or leaving a current role? How successfully have you filled the current role? What is your definition of success? How successfully has your partner filled a role that you placed them? Again, what is your definition of success?
Roles are like boxes. We place ourselves, our partners, our family members, and friends into these roles and boxes, often without even discussing what it means for them to fill that role for you. And when they try to leave the roles we’ve placed them, it can cause stress, anxiety, and frustration on your part and on their part. Because with these roles come expectations. A multitude of expectations that we (most likely) haven’t communicated to the person filling the role. When our expectations are not met the way we envisioned them to be, we feel all kinds of feelings. It can be a bit of a roller coaster. You can go from confused and frustrated about not having your expectations met to angry and let down to feeling lost or like the relationship is steps away from ultimate failure.
So how do you avoid the many emotional roller coasters that come with placing people into roles in your life? Well, realistically, you don’t avoid these emotions because that would mean you’re avoiding placing people into roles in your life altogether. And I don’t know a single person that has been able to accomplish that. But what you can do is communicate your expectations and roles that you would like to be met. Explore why those roles and expectations are important to you.
Don’t be afraid to let go of the roles you’ve placed yourself in as well. You don’t always have to be the “perfect” partner or the “late” partner or the “absent” partner or the workaholic, the stressed-out partner, the planner, the rule-breaker, etc. Give yourself the space to explore who you want to be at any given moment. And then give your partner that same space.
Some steps you can take before discussing the roles in your marriage and the expectations involved with the roles are to pray and meditate about the current roles you are filling. Explore your thoughts and feelings around those roles. Do your current roles bring you joy, happiness, and feelings of contentment or life purpose? Or do they bring you frustration, anger, and unmet needs? Journal about this, explore it with a therapist or unbiased friend or family (be careful with this, as you don’t want to partner-bash with your friend), or pray about it before inviting your partner to have the conversation with you.
Eight Tips To Help You Discuss Roles in Your Relationship with Your Partner:
Approach this conversation with an open mind. Pray + meditate about this conversation before you try having it
Tell your partner what you would like to discuss and schedule time for this discussion - distraction-free!
Explore the roles you hold for yourself and your partner. Define what those roles mean to you - what responsibilities are included, how time-consuming the role is, who else is included in this role (ex: if you’re role is parent, then children are included), how much help do you expect from your partner to help you with the role, what does success look like for this role?
Discuss any potential disconnects with love, patience, and an open mind. No judgment or blame!
Get extremely curious
Share with your partner what roles you want to expand, what roles you want to move out of, and what roles you are interested in taking on
Acknowledge and validate each other throughout the conversation
Find a way to support each other to take one step towards achieving your new roles together
Tell me how these tips worked for you! If you would like help in exploring the roles you currently fill in your relationship, the expectations around those roles, or the roles and expectations you have placed your partner in, please schedule a Discovery Call with me! I would be happy to explore this area with you!
———————-
Photo thumbnail by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash
