Holiday Stress + Your Relationship
Understanding Fight Cycles + Picking Your Fights Wisely
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
This time of year is both my favorite time of year and also probably one of the most stressful times of year for me. I’m sure it’s the same for many of you. The holidays usually put more stress on our relationships than any other time during the year. We are running around, trying to attend every holiday party, buying the perfect Christmas gifts, getting up at 4am to put the turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving, organizing sleep arrangements for visiting friends and family, while also worrying about appeasing all the immediate family members and the in-laws.
It’s a lot of stress and planning. Studies show that women carry most of the stress during the holidays due to lack of time, lack of money, and pressure to get and give gifts. I mention this because I want to emphasize the importance of self-care, especially during the holidays. I also want to normalize this idea that we, as women, don’t have to do everything and that it’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or mean that you’re a failure.
Asking for help can be a beautiful thing. It’s practicing management skills of delegating and organizing; it’s understanding and respecting your own boundaries and health, and ensuring that you are taking care of yourself. And it’s a way of connecting with others and allowing them to feel helpful as well during this stressful time of the year. Remember, you don’t have to carry the stress of the holidays all on your own.
The holidays are typically a time when couples fight more. This is often because we are under more stress, are getting less sleep, are worried about finances, are trying to create the perfect holiday experience for our children, and on and on the list goes. Any one of these worries can place additional stress on the relationship and increase the chance of fighting with your partner. Combing many or all of them and you have a recipe for disaster.
Fighting during the holidays can be considered one of your fight cycles as a couple. What is a fight cycle? A fight cycle is any reoccurring fight that happens, fairly consistently, at the same time of day, week, month, or year with your partner. Some common fight cycles are holiday fights, fights around tax season, and fights around year-end if you own a business. Some couples fight more in the evenings after a long day of work while others fight more in the morning when one or both of them are still waking up.
Exploring and discovering what your fight cycles are for your relationship can be incredibly helpful for the success and happiness of your relationship. Once you have a better understanding of your fight cycles, you can set some parameters around these fight cycles with your partner to help strengthen your relationship.
5 Questions to Help you Discover Your Fight Cycles with Your Partner:
What time of day do we fight most? Why is this? What usually triggers this fight? How do you resolve this fight?
What times of the year do we have our biggest fights? How much stress are we under when we have these fights? What is causing this stress?
What seasons do we fight most in? Why is this? Most people are more depressed during winter than any other season which can lead to potential conflicts. Some people don’t do well in the summer heat and humidity which can lead to grumpiness and discontentment which leads to more conflict. What seasons are better for your relationship? Which are worse?
How often do we have big fights? How often do we have small fights (bickering)? How do we define a big fight versus bickering? Do we both agree on that definition? If we don’t, how can we come to a better understanding of fighting versus bickering?
What are the majority of our fights about? According to the Gottman Institute, perpetual problems make up 69% of relationship conflict. What are our perpetual problems? Are our perpetual problems what our big fights are about? How comfortable are we with this idea of perpetual problems?
Once you have discovered what your fight cycles are, you can create some parameters for these fight cycles with your partner. Think of this as creating rules of engagement around your fight cycles, rather than just for the fights themselves. Create these rules/parameters together and agree to follow them together. Some examples of these parameters are:
When there is an opportunity for conflict, state “I know that we need to talk about this but can we wait until January 2 (after the holidays are over)?” or “I know this is an important topic to discuss, can we have this discussion next week when my big work presentation/report/meeting is complete?”
Agree on a set date/time to have the discussion, don’t just leave it open-ended as to when the conflict will happen. You want to make sure that you are prioritizing the conflict or discussion so your partner feels heard without jeopardizing your self-care.
Decide where these “big fights” or serious discussions will happen. In the yard, spare bedroom, living room? Try and pick a location that is neutral for both of you rather than a space that one of you is more comfortable in than the other.
The final aspect of fight cycles is discussing how you will reconcile with your partner after a conflict. Do you both agree to be open and receptive to the other when one apologizes? Will you discuss which rules of engagement you followed well and which rules you didn’t follow at all? Will you strive to fight better next time? Do you take responsibility for your part of the conflict? Do you say “I love you” before going to bed, even after a big fight?
Discussing how to reconcile after a fight is important to do when you are both calm and in agreement. Don’t try to do this immediately after the conflict.
If you would like coaching around fight cycles, reconciling after a fight, or managing holiday stress during the holidays, please schedule a Discovery Call with me! Coaching can be incredibly beneficial for exploring these areas of your relationship and can help create a happier, more stable relationship for you. Happy Holidays!
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Thumbnail photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
