What Is a Passionate Relationship?
Passion, Passionate Relationships, and Living By Biblical Standards
Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash
We’ve all heard about passionate relationships and have seen “passionate” relationships in movies and tv shows, but what truly is a passionate relationship? And is passion an important part of a successful, healthy relationship? The Merriam-Webster dictionary has three definitions for passionate: (1) easily aroused to anger, (2) capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling, and (3) swayed by or affected with sexual desire. Typically when we think “passion,” we think of a combination of intense emotions that often are associated with anger and sexual desire. I can’t begin to count how many movies I’ve seen where the lead couple is fighting, the woman slaps the man in the face or pushes his chest, and then suddenly they’re having sex. That is the common scenario people think of upon hearing “passionate relationship”.
But how healthy is that interpretation of a passionate relationship? In the movies, we rarely see any reconciliation, apologies or forgiveness, accountability, or growth discussions about the initial conflict that lead to the pushing, shoving, or face slapping. More often we’ll see them happy and in bed after the conflict talking about how amazing the sex was or how happy they are for the future. Don’t get me wrong, having conversations about sex and the future are both things couples should be talking about, but reconciliation, accountability, forgiveness, growth, and apologies should also be a part of a couple’s discussions.
And how does passion compare to love or lust in relationships? Well, let’s define them first:
(1)the sufferings of Christ between the night of the Last Supper and His death
(2) obsolete: SUFFERING
(3) the state or capacity of being acted on by external agents or forces
(4) emotion
(5) ardent affection : LOVE
Lust:
(1) usually intense or unbridled sexual desire : LASCIVIOUSNESS
(2) an intense longing : CRAVING
(3) obsolete : PLEASURE, DELIGHT
Love:
(1) strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
an assurance of affection
(2) warm attachment of affection
(3) the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
(4) unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
As you can see, passion is more focused on negative intense emotions such as anger and suffering, lust is more focused on sexual desire and pleasure, and love is more focused on affection, admiration, and warm attachment to others. Does that mean passionate relationships are bad? It depends on how you interpret passion and passionate relationships. As you can see from the definitions above, passion holds a negative connotation, and lust is often named as a sin in the Bible.
The Bible encourages people to marry if they cannot control their passion, as passion leads to lust and sexual desire, both sins according to the Bible:
1 Corinthians 7:9: “but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3-8: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.”
God holds His people to a higher standard, one that we can all strive to meet, but will fall short of. That does not mean we are not saved, nor does it mean God loves us any less. It just means we can only be saved through Christ and the closer we grow to Christ, the more we try to act like Him with new characters and hearts being placed in us.
Colossians 3:12-17: “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”
Romans 5:3-5: “And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”
2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new.”
Ezekial 36:26: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Psalm 51:10: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
So Biblically, without the confines of marriage, passion is bad. And in today’s society, passion can be viewed as unhealthy or even toxic in relationships. Now, to be clear, passion can also be a good thing in relationships, and my next post will be about how to bring passion back into your marriage, but as a whole, passionate relationships can lead to toxic relationships. Passionate relationships often bring intense conflict, anger, and pain, both verbally and emotionally, and sometimes physically - all of which may be forms of abuse. Intense anger and conflict are not healthy in any relationship - don’t let Hollywood fool you. Yes, I’m talking about The Notebook ladies. The constant fighting, shouting, and shoving are unhealthy and not a relationship I would recommend for anyone.
All relationships have conflict, but not all conflict is healthy. Just like all relationships can have a certain amount of healthy passion in them, too much passion can lead to angst, anger, and intense conflict. Do not get confused by thinking these intense feelings are a healthy part of your relationship. Below are 5 red flags to watch out for in passionate relationships.
5 Red Flags to Watch for in Passionate Relationships
Your partner tries to control everything you do - and then gets mad when you don’t obey
Abusive behavior - mental, emotional, or physical (verbal abuse examples: name-calling, manipulation, condescension, criticism, demeaning comments, blame, shame, accusations, threats, gaslighting, etc.)
Your partner tries to solve all conflicts with sex
There is a lack of boundaries in your relationship - or your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, particularly when they are angry or passionate
Your partner is codependent on you. This codependency starts in the early stages of the relationship and continues throughout the relationship
Next week, we’ll explore how to rekindle the passion in your relationship - in healthy, consensual ways. In the meantime, email me your top red flags in passionate relationships! If you are struggling with passion in your relationship, either there is too much or too little, schedule a Discovery Call with me and we can explore how relationship coaching may benefit you at this time.
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Thumbnail Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash
