Spring Cleaning Your Relationship
Developing Awareness Around Old Habits and Creating Space for New, Healthier Relationship Habits
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
We’ve all heard the term “spring cleaning”, but have you ever thought of how you could “spring clean” your relationship? Today we’re exploring ways to create awareness of the current habits in your relationship that may be harmful, negative, or simply old, tired habits that were developed at the beginning of your relationship. And then we’ll discuss ways to create new, healthier habits in your relationship!
Most things in life, if not all, require maintenance and paying some special attention to details. It takes a certain level of gratitude and pride in those things that drives us as individuals to keep maintaining them at a certain level of quality. We maintain our home, car, career, health, spirituality, relationships, and many more things in our life. Life is one big blessing of all these beautiful things and it is one big balancing act to maintain them.
If you have been feeling overwhelmed, if you have been avoiding the details and losing your motivation, here is your permission to sit still and rest. You are only human. You should feel comfortable enough first to prioritize your mental, physical, and emotional health in order to maintain all other aspects of your life. Maintain your sense of self, and then take the time to focus on the needs of your relationship. A little hibernation is good for the soul and totally acceptable during a common time for seasonal depression.
After a decent recharge, we can find the energy and desire to pay attention to the things in our life that we find most important; I like to start with my home and relationship. Start by decluttering, whether that’s in the physical, emotional, or spiritual realm, and minimize what may have negatively accumulated during a hibernation period. This is where you assess and get rid of what doesn’t serve your relationship’s purpose.
This time of assessment is part of creating awareness in your relationship. What is your current level of awareness regarding the habits in your relationship? And what do I mean by awareness? Well, creating awareness means we are peeling back the layers (think Shrek and his onion-layers metaphor) of your relationship and discovering all the habits you and your partner, both individually and together, have created in your relationship. It’s up to you to decide if those habits are healthy or harmful, as each relationship is unique to the partners in that relationship.
It’s important to create this awareness because, without it, you can’t address the root of the problem. So how do we create awareness within our relationships? Below are 3 steps to help you create awareness in your relationships, but you can download my worksheet “10 Ways to Create Awareness in Your Relationship” for an additional 7 steps to help you create a deeper, authentic awareness of your relationship.
Spend time in Prayer and/or Meditation: Spending time with God helps provide clarity on what’s important to you and how you prioritize your time. Prayer and meditation have numerous benefits including clarity of mind, better focus, and lower levels of stress and anxiety.
Reflect on your behavior & take responsibility for your behavior: how does your behavior impact those around you? How often do you acknowledge your responsibility for your actions? Are you often blaming or shaming others rather than taking responsibility for your actions?
Schedule a weekly or monthly check-in with your partner: take time each week or month to discuss how you and your partner can help each other create success within the relationship. Ask what’s working well, what’s not working well, and how you can best support each other while allowing space for active listening and taking turns speaking.
“You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you’re responsible for the energy that you bring to others.”
Now that you’ve rested, recharged, and reflected, it’s time to spring-clean your relationship! This period of cleansing doesn’t have to be a negative experience but can be a positive escape where you open up some windows and take care of your heart and home. It can be a list of minimal tasks or a complete home makeover, whatever is needed in your life at this time. Spring cleaning your relationship should help fulfill both individual and relationship needs, but it can be confusing on where to start. First, show your partner some love, spend some quality time with them, and actively work to start building any intimacy that may have been lost during the chaos of the holiday and winter seasons. Reconnection is vital when so often we find ourselves feeling distant from our partners. Although taking space can be part of spring cleaning, reconnection is necessary in order to maintain the relationship.
How do you feel about yourself as a partner? What strong feelings have come up recently? Do you see any obstacles? Do you feel comfortable enough communicating those concerns?
Don’t be intimidated by the questioning that starts to stir up. This is the information that you’ll discover about your personal relationship that will aid in its development. The biggest key component in any aspect of a relationship will be communication: which includes conversations you have with yourself as well as with your partner. Communication is universally the biggest impact on relationship success and also an obstacle for many. In fact, communication may be one of the first themes you see on your relationship spring cleaning list.
Relationship Spring Cleaning To-Do List:
- Sweep things out from underneath the rug and clear the air on unresolved issues.
- Prep your goals for the week, month, and year together.
- Recommit your focus toward one another and unplug from the outside world.
- Introduce your partner to something new and further explore it together.
- Negotiate through conflicts better by communicating boundaries, needs, and desires more clearly.
- Gather with friends and family who support you, your partner, and your relationship.
- Cut back on “bad” habits that may be consuming too much of your time, money, and energy.
- Learn your partner’s love language and learn how to express it often.
- Eat meals together as often as possible; this is a great time for communication and connection
- Avoid deflection and be more direct with each other.
- Never dismiss your partner’s experience, perception, or feelings.
As you are spring-cleaning your relationship, you may bump into some resentment around unresolved conflict, perpetual problems, or a feeling of unfairness and lack of respect within your relationship. Whatever the reason may be, you must acknowledge that what you’re feeling is resentment and start taking action toward alleviating that resentment. Resentment is toxic for any relationship and can develop much quicker than many people realize.
Resentment is a powerful emotion that can slowly erode your relationship and lead to long-term damage if not addressed. Letting go of resentment in your relationship requires effort and commitment from both partners. Here are some tips to help you let go of resentment:
Identify the source of resentment: The first step to letting go of resentment is to identify the source. It could be a specific action or behavior of your partner that hurt you, or it could be a pattern of behavior that has been ongoing.
Express your feelings: Expressing your feelings can be cathartic and help you release your resentment. Be honest and clear about how you feel without blaming or attacking your partner. Use “I” statements and not “you” statements.
Practice forgiveness: Forgiveness is not about excusing your partner's behavior or forgetting what happened. Instead, it is about accepting what happened and moving forward. It requires a conscious effort, and often healing, to let go of the anger and hurt and replace it with compassion and understanding.
Focus on the positive: Resentment can create a negative cycle in your relationship, where you only focus on the negative aspects of your partner and your relationship. Try to shift your focus to the positive aspects of your relationship and appreciate the good things your partner does.
Work on communication: Resentment can often build up when there is a lack of communication or understanding between partners. Work on improving your communication with your partner, and be willing to listen to their perspective without judgment.
Seek help if necessary: If you find it difficult to let go of resentment, it may be helpful to seek the help of a therapist or counselor who can provide you with tools and techniques to work through your feelings.
Letting go of resentment in your relationship requires effort, commitment, and communication from both partners. By identifying the source of resentment, expressing your feelings, practicing forgiveness, focusing on the positive, working on communication, and seeking help if necessary, you can release your resentment and rebuild a healthier and happier relationship. Working through resentment while spring-cleaning your relationship is perfectly normal and has the potential to greatly improve the quality and happiness of your relationship.
If you are struggling with resentment, creating awareness, or feelings of stress and overwhelm, I invite you to schedule a Discovery Call with me. I’d be happy to discuss how relationship coaching may benefit your relationship and your individual happiness.
