Finding Your Happiness
The Importance of Discovering Personal Happiness in Your Relationship
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash
What is happiness and why is it so important to find and honor happiness in your life? How do you appreciate the happiness in your life? Do you even recognize it or do you focus on the bad things that are happening in your life? Merriam-Webster defines happiness as “a state of well-being and contentment: JOY” and “a pleasurable or satisfying experience”. Many people struggle to find happiness because they get overwhelmed or distracted by all the bad that can happen in our world. It’s often said that the people who live the most simply, are the happiest. Why do you think that is? And how do you find and keep your happiness while in a committed relationship such as a marriage where you’re also worried and focused on the happiness of your partner?
When you get married, it is so easy to let your personal happiness slip away without even realizing it. You are focused on creating a new life for the two of you and are working towards goals that you’ve set for your married life while figuring out how your personal goals will be incorporated into these new joint goals. Oftentimes, you are looking for a new place to live, purchasing a new home, dealing with the move, getting used to living with pets if your partner has one, becoming more familiar with your new family members and your partner’s friends, discussing financials, taxes, budgets, relaxing after the wedding and honeymoon, and adjusting to living together. It is a lot. And any personal time that you had before moving in with your spouse most likely has become a thing of the past with everything else that is going on. On top of that, many friend groups typically go through the same phases of life together so you may have friends also getting married, having babies, and moving and you won’t be able to see them as much as you used to. It’s a lot and it is not an easy adjustment. The first year of marriage is often said to be the hardest year of marriage because of all the life adjustments and new things you’re learning about your spouse after moving in with them.
But why is maintaining your personal happiness so important during this transition and throughout the duration of your marriage? Studies show that happy individuals are more attractive to their partners than when they’re sad or upset. Smiling makes you more approachable, happiness boosts your confidence and grows your mental strength, and a happier person is often perceived as a sexier person. Being happy may increase the attraction your partner has for you while increasing the health and happiness of your relationship.
But simply being happy and finding things to be joyful and grateful for can be harder to do for some people. It’s important that you find your personal happiness rather than depend on your partner for your happiness. If you’re depending on your partner for your happiness then at some point, you’ll start to blame them for your sadness, anger, and/or frustration as well. You are in charge of your emotions. No one else is. Understanding this is an important step in taking control of your own happiness. Once you’ve made the decision that you control your emotions and reactions to situations, you are taking steps in dictating your own happiness.
We may not always be able to control how we feel in response to a situation or conversation, but we are always in control of how we react to the situation. If we become detectives for our innermost feelings and emotions, we can start to understand we have certain gut responses and reactions and start to adjust those gut responses if needed. For example, you and your spouse are driving in the car. You reach out to hold their hand but they move their hand away and place it on the steering wheel instead. This causes you to feel rejected and you start to recoil from your partner while becoming frustrated and angry with them. How could they reject you? Why can’t they do a simple thing like hold your hand while in the car? If you stop your spiraling thought process here and take a calming breath, you can start exploring the why behind your reactions. Why is this negative narrative your first response? Is it possible that your spouse needs both hands to drive safely? Is the traffic or speed dangerous and do they need to focus on the road? Why do you feel rejected at this moment? What other narrative could you tell yourself instead of the first one? Is your response helping or harming the situation?
By becoming detectives of our innermost feelings, we can start to explore and examine our gut responses, where they might have come from, and what they’re protecting us from. Often, we’ll respond a certain way because instinctually we’re trying to protect ourselves - from further rejection, pain, distance from our spouse, feeling less than or unworthy, etc. But we if can examine what our triggers are and acknowledge that there is room for growth, we can start to change our responses to situations and possibly change the outcome of the situation.
These awarenesses can help us in the moment to change a negative narrative into a neutral or positive narrative which can create a more positive, joyful atmosphere for you and your spouse. These small changes and awarenesses may help you to better manage conflict in your relationship which can lead to a happier relationship.
Your personal happiness is more than just negating the negative in your relationship and creating positive, healthy responses. It’s about being that detective again and discovering what brings you joy all on your own. What do you enjoy and do for fun by yourself? What do you turn to when you are having a bad day and need to cheer yourself up? What is something that you can always find joy in and be thankful for?
Finding your personal happiness is easy for some and incredibly challenging for others. If you are focused on making the people around you happy, you will struggle to create clarity around what brings you happiness. If you are a people pleaser, you may not even know what brings you happiness because you haven’t taken the time to do things for your own happiness - just for you.
So how do find your personal happiness? Start with the basic life necessities first - do you take care of yourself physically? Do you eat healthily, drink enough water, are getting enough sleep, and effectively managing any stress and overwhelm in your life? Do you work out regularly and snack healthily? Do you limit yourself when it comes to alcohol, drugs, and any potential addictions? If you are unhappy with how you’re taking care of your body, start making changes here. If your body isn’t healthy, it will affect everything else you do. When you are unhappy with how you look, it affects the way you see yourself, your confidence, your happiness, and how you engage with others. When you’re body isn’t healthy, you feel more tired, lethargic, lazy, and less motivated to do things.
Next, check in with your mental health. If you are struggling with something, are you working with a therapist? If you want to challenge yourself, are you working with a coach? Do you have helpful tools to fall back on when you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, overwhelm, conflicting needs, or overridden boundaries? Do you journal to help you articulate and explore your thoughts and feelings about challenging situations? Do you take time to introvert and find space to breathe? Do you turn off all distractions and just sit in the quiet to help you recharge? Do you practice meditation? There are many ways to help your mental health, it’s your job to discover what works best for you and start to incorporate those tools into your daily life.
Next, check in with your spiritual health. Are you taking time each day with God? Do you have a daily worship routine where you write in a prayer journal or a gratitude journal? Do you have a strong, faith-based community surrounding you? Do you go to church regularly or seek out other believers to build strong friendships with? Do you study consistently to learn more about God and strive to grow closer to Him? Do you turn to Him in prayer for both the things you need and to praise and be thankful for the things He’s done in your life?
Once you’ve gone through the basics, your physical, mental, and spiritual health, it’s time to explore what activities bring your joy. Do you find joy in hiking, camping, skiing, ice skating, or cross-country skiing? What about more calming pastimes such as knitting, crocheting, or playing an instrument? Do you find joy in reading, writing, painting, or dancing? Do you find joy in cooking, baking, following a recipe, or making up your own recipe? What about gardening, axe throwing, mowing the lawn, interior decorating, canning, jamming, or candle making? Do you enjoy spending time with your pet - playing fetch with your dog, playing with the laser with your cat, or riding your horse?
What makes you feel alive and excited, joyful and purposeful? What calms you down and helps keep you centered and stable? Happiness is vast and different for each person. Don’t limit yourself to what others consider happiness. Happiness can be as simple as sitting in front of the Christmas tree in the evenings and enjoying the Christmas lights and a hot chocolate or sitting by a campfire in the summer. You just need to find what makes you happy - without your spouse. Your personal happiness affects your relationship and if you’re not personally happy, your relationship will struggle.
You can do things with your spouse that bring you happiness, but make sure that you are seeking out your personal happiness on your own too. If you’re happy, you can better approach the challenges in your life, from relationship challenges to professional challenges. Don’t let your happiness be dictated by your partner. If you are struggling to find your personal happiness, I invite you to schedule a Discovery Call with me and we can start exploring ways you can find your happiness.
