Debunking 7 Common Marriage Myths
The Importance of Acknowledging + Fact-Checking Marriage Myths
Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash
What do you think of when marriage comes up in conversation? Do you have happy memories of your parent’s marriage? Of your own? Or do you have feelings of anger, sadness, rejection, hurt, or unworthiness? When you think of your own life, what does marriage mean for you? Do you picture yourself being married to one person for the rest of your life? Or is marriage something less permanent, and more temporary for you? Or do you dislike, or even hate, the idea of marriage? Have you vowed to never get married?
Sadly, many of us have not had wonderful examples of happy, successful, long-term marriages. Many have also become jaded towards the idea of marriage in general. This is due to the high divorce rates, low success rates of marriage, more women becoming educated and valuing their careers more, waiting longer to get married and have a family if they decide to get married at all. One study showed that there is a deficit in the supply of potential male spouses, as women become more educated and are seeking spouses with a similar or greater level of education than themselves.
Marriage is also commonly associated with religious beliefs and as more and more people leave their churches and the U.S. becomes more secular, less importance is placed on marriage. Millennials are also approaching marriage differently as a result of some of the previous reasons mentioned.
With all this information out there that seems stacked against marriage, it’s no wonder people are more hesitant to tie the knot nowadays. It’s easy to see how people can believe pervasive myths about marriage due to how society is attempting to reframe marriage.
So let’s address some of the marriage myths that are circulating right now:
Myth #1: Humans weren’t created to be monogamous
Recently, I have heard more and more people reference a study that was completed that “proves” some humans can’t be monogamous if they have certain genes. This study, the 2019 study I have linked below, was completed on animals, not humans, and states “it is not known whether the same genes have any bearing on monogamous behavior in humans.”
In 2019, a study comparing monogamous animal species with similar nonmonogamous counterparts was completed. The study was looking for any similarities or differences in the genes of the animals. “The researchers found 24 genes whose activity was consistently ramped up or dampened down in the monogamous species… It is not known whether the same genes have any bearing on monogamous behavior in humans.”
A 2020 study states “there is no single neurochemical recipe for social monogamy… Previous phylogenetic studies on factors influencing genetic monogamy have not reached consistent conclusions for a number of reasons, including differences and limitations in methodology and the species included in analyses.” Furthermore, “multiple (interacting) factors influence the display of monogamy, [including] the life-history and ecological conditions that permit the evolution and persistence of monogamy.”
For my Christian believers out there, we know that God created marriage for us as an example of His great love for us. The Bible speaks about marriage in numerous places. Genesis 1:27, 28; Ephesians 5:25-33; Mark 10:9 just to list a few verses.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
People who argue that humans weren’t created to be monogamous or aren’t capable of monogamy are simply looking for excuses and reasons to stray. If you are not interested in being monogamous, that is fine! Have healthy, safe sex, be transparent about your desires for your relationships, and practice open, effective communication. Do not blame your genes for cheating, seeking open relationships, or pursuing polyamorous relationships.
Myth #2: Women lose their sexuality once they’re married
This myth is arguably more damaging to women’s mental health and sense of identity than to the relationship itself. If women believe they will lose their sexuality once married, they may be less inclined to get married for fear of losing a part of themselves. But there has not been enough research on women’s sexuality for this to be anything other than a myth.
A 2009 study states “research in female sexuality is fractionated… Mirroring the field of human sexuality, the study of women’s sexuality has lacked an overarching conceptual basis with which to compare, evaluate, and guide ongoing research.”
In fact, studies have been completed that show older couples, who have been married for longer durations, actually experience an increase in sexual satisfaction within their marriages.
A 2010 study that surveyed 1,656 married adults, ages 57-85 years old, found that “marital duration had a curvilinear (U-sharped) relationship with the frequency of sex” and stated “consistent with the notion of habituation, increased marital duration was associated with lower frequency of sex for women and men alike… With increasing marital duration, the sex frequency gap diminished and eventually closed at relatively high levels of marital duration… The greater dependence of sex on men’s health and age hypergamy - the tendency of older men and younger women to be married to each other - together likely explain the gap in frequency of sex between women and men in shorter duration marriages.”
A 2011 study found that “compared to men, women showed lower sexual satisfaction early in the relationship and greater sexual satisfaction later.”
A 2012 study found that “all couples experienced a decline in the frequency of sex, yet many couples reported that the quality of their sexual experiences had increased… This decline was attributed to aging, in particular, its physical aspects, such as a decrease in the ability and desire to have vaginal intercourse.”
As you can see, there is no proof that women lose their sexuality once married at this time.
Myth #3: Marriage is set up and based on control, fear, possession, and ownership
This may have been true at one time as women did use to be considered “property” of the men they married. Women had few, if any, rights until the past few centuries. As women have gained rights, they are no longer considered their husband’s property. History has helped create this myth since historically, marriage had strong ties to possession and ownership. That is not the case for women in the 21st century living in the U.S. and many other countries.
Historically, marriage was used as a means of control over women, this is true. Not for every woman and not for every marriage, but enough so that we all know this present-day myth has historically true roots.
If you are in a marriage that is built on fear and control, you may be in an abusive relationship. Please seek help if that is the case. No marriage should be built on fear and control.
Merriam-Webster defines marriage as “the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.”
I believe that marriage is supposed to be a union between two people who love, trust, and respect each other. They have a desire to grow together throughout their life and seek to learn more about each other and how to have a wonderful marriage. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life. It is a big commitment and one that should not be taken lightly.
Many people don’t like what the Bible says about marriage because they point to verses that say “the man is the head of the household”, etc. but if people continue to read further, they would see instructions from God for how husbands are to treat their wives as well. There is much love and respect that is supposed to be in marriage. Some Bible verses that discuss marriage are: Genesis 2:24; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:1-4; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; 2 Corinthians 6:14; Ephesians 5:22-33; Proverbs 21:9; 1 Peter 3:7; Mark 10:9; 1 Peter 4:8; Colossians 3:18-19; Matthew 19:4-6.
“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:3,4
If you are in an abusive marriage, please seek help. For hotline information on who to contact, please visit my Support + Hotlines page.
Myth #4: Someone in the marriage is always cheating
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a phrase many of us have heard. It’s not necessarily true though, nor does it mean that every relationship is doomed to failure. Cheating occurs when you value self-gratification more than your relationship and the intimacy you have with your partner. Self-gratification can look like many things: career success, selfishness, entitlement, never taking accountability for your actions, never apologizing, always putting your wants, desires, and needs first, etc.
A 2016 study found that 19% of their respondents had engaged in sexual activities with someone who was not their partner without the consent of their partner.
A 2018 study found that “extramarital sex partners are likely to be close friends and that men are more apt to cheat.”
A 2020 study found that “around 30% to 40% of Americans cheat on their partners… 16% of the respondents have cheated on their spouses.” This study showed that the older you are, the more likely you are to cheat. 11% of the respondents aged 18-34 said they had engaged in extramarital sex; 17% of respondents aged 35-64 reported engaging in extramarital sex; and 18% of respondents aged 65 years or older reported engaging in extramarital sex.
The average number I have come across is about 15-20% of married couples cheat. 15-20% is a far cry from 100%, which is what “always” implies.
It is important to define what cheating means to both you and your partner. Some questions to ask each other may be:
What does cheating mean to you?
Is watching porn considered cheating?
Do you consider flirty text messages, online chats, etc. cheating? What about online relationships?
What about physical intimacy? Is sex the line? Or do you consider kissing cheating?
What about paying for sex (where it’s legal)? Do you consider that cheating?
I would also suggest taking this time to talk about what your and your partner’s sexual fantasies may be. See if this is an area you can explore together so that you are not tempted to look elsewhere to fulfill these fantasies.
Myth #5: Marriage is supposed to serve you 100% of the time
We are living in a time where “if it doesn’t serve you, it’s not meant for you” is an incredibly popular mindset. I hate to be the one to tell you, but it’s not all about you. Relationships involve more than just one person, which means there are many times you will need to compromise or find a synergist solution. There will be times of frustration, discomfort, and growth as well.
Marriage is what you make it. If you invest your time, energy, creativity, finances, etc. in it, you will see incredible results. If you learn how to communicate effectively, how to fight in a healthy manner, seek help early from therapists, and practice being kind to your partner, you are setting your marriage up for success.
As a couple, you can grow together or apart. But marriage is never all about you. It is about your relationship with your partner. What can you do to help your partner? To be there for them? To love them?
Let go of the mindset “If I do this, then I expect that in return” or “I don’t want to be the first one to say or do something, because they haven’t taken the initiative.” That’s a mindset built on selfishness and entitlement.
How can you serve your marriage?
Myth #6: The longer you’re married, the more “successful” your marriage is
What does a successful marriage look like? Is a marriage successful simply because you’ve been married for 10, 20, 50 years? Is a successful marriage one of happiness, love, growth, understanding, compassion, and commitment? Success lies in the eyes of the beholder.
As we’ve discussed earlier in this post, the frequency of sex will change throughout your marriage, and sexual satisfaction will dip for a bit before increasing later in your marriage. That dip may be due to raising children, furthering your career, buying a house, etc. The increase later in life may be due to successfully learning what your partner likes and enjoys, both sexually and otherwise. Sex and intimacy are just one part of marriage though.
So tell me, how do you define a successful marriage? How much time do you commit to your partner and your marriage daily? Weekly? Monthly? Do you make it a priority in your life? Or is your marriage the last thing that you dedicate time to, assuming that your partner will understand and love you regardless of your absence or lack of dedication to the marriage?
Myth #7: Only 2% of people are happily married
I have no idea where this statistic came from but I’ve heard it referenced a few times. If you know which study discovered this result, please send it to me. I am currently of the belief that this is a made-up statistic to provide excuses for people to divorce and or not get married.
A 2018 study found that “64% of Americans are ‘very happy’ in their romantic relationships with a partner or spouse and nearly 50% report being happy with their sex lives.”
A 2019 study found that “married adults have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and trust than those living with an unmarried partner.”
Another 2019 study found that 41% of married adults (who are parents) are “very happy” compared to 18% of divorced individuals (who are parents) who are “very happy” and 20% of adults (who are parents) have never married and are “very happy.” This same study also found that only 7% of married couples (who are parents) are “not too happy.”
There are many incredibly happy marriages and partnerships out there, despite this myth.
Please let me know what other myths you are currently struggling with! I’d be happy to help coach you through them!
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Thumbnail photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash
